Im starting with the man in the mirror

Its Not You, Its Me

Many of us can probably say a lot about someone we broke up with, or someone we are no longer friends with or divorced. We can tell everything they did wrong. How often do we acknowledge what WE did to cause a relationship to deteriorate? What is it that we need to change about us?


It takes a lot of maturity to admit that we are not always the best at being in a relationship or even marriage. None of us are perfect. The saying 'there are two sides to every story' is a true saying. 


I sat with a friend one day and listened as he spoke about an ex-girlfriend. She told him some things that she felt he needed to change. While he too had things about her he felt he didnt like, he was appreciative of her feedback about him. He felt like no other woman had really taken a moment to help him see things he needed to change. He spoke about another ex-girlfriend he dated who he felt was toxic. He said they just argued all the time.


I think this world has gotten us women to the point where we put so much pressure on men to be molded into just what we want him to be. However, a lot of us are not ready to be in relationship with the man we have made up for ourselves. Im learning this is why it is important to be single. Its not just about getting to know yourself and what you like and dont like. Its also about taking time to really understand what it is that we need to change before we can date again.


We  need to know, what is the baggage that we carried into that last relationship that kept us in a dark place. How do we go about letting go of that baggage to be in a healthy mindset with someone new? What is it that our mother or family members have told us that we need to change that would benefit us in relationships? This is especially good with teenagers. Take time enjoying your youth. Take time understanding the value of singleness and learning about yourself as you evolve. If there are things that happened at a young age get help with those struggles while you are young and single.


I think about this sometimes with my boys. I try to teach them a lot of things. Being a mom is a tough job and sometimes I get frustrated with them. But one thing I am learning is my patience and my words. How quick do I get upset? What words do I use with them and how do they sound? Disclaimer: I am not perfect and I still get it wrong sometimes. Not to mention my kids get on my nerves. But they are my little kings. They are my heart. Did I mention the yget on my nerve? I did? Ok...moving on.


Anywho,  sometimes I realize if I can't be patient with them or my words are not building them up, that is something that is not going to be good in a relationship. We put so much pressure on men to be patient and respond to us the right way when we are upset. We want them to stroke OUR ego. But some of us dont want to change our toxic behavior. We want them to adjust to our personality and ways. I do believe in a relationship both parties should be willing to change and conform to Gods word.


Its even better if we do it in singleness. But get this, the easiest way to be the woman our future husband (or husband) needs is to line up with God's word. We can't try to be who the world says we should be. We can't check off a list of things we think a man would like and try to be someone we are not. But we can read God's word and become women he is calling us to be. I think once we do that, we wont be perfect people, but perfect for who he ordained us for.



We both need self examination